Blog
Besides my thoughts page, which focuses more on specific thought I have, this is more of an online diary.
playing Return of the Obra Dinn again, after 4 years or so. AMAZING game. thankfully memories are impermanent and we can play such great thing once again - this is one of those games where the gist of it is in knowing what happens, like Outer Wilds. and it made me think about where to take this site: two things that fascinate me much are love and death. they're universal experiences and permeate pretty much everything in this existence... I have ideas for a new layout (or aesthetic? or both?) and I'll start experimenting this week. just gotta finish some businesses first. good stuff!
a good friend of mine's father died today. I've been crying for some time now. I didn't know him, but knowing that my friend is suffering a lot hurts me. made me wonder about my mother, and her eventual death. made me wonder about my best friend, and her eventual death. it's all inevitable.
i'm drunk and I just know that the pain stopped for a while and it will come back when I go sober again. I just want to have these good moments of freedom while they last.... I have no other choice but really to follow the monk path huh - maybe then the pain will stop. I don't want to be an alcoholic to live and to function... FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FCUK
I went to a buddhist retreat last weekend. It was amazing. certainly changed my outlook on my future... I've decided that, after finishing my BSc, I'll go to SEA and try ordination. maybe I'll like it, maybe not - who knows? but now it's certain. now I have a goal to achieve. and then, endure the challenges that come with such a decision...
besides, I have some thoughts about changing the aesthetic of this site. just gotta find some free time.
just deleted my letterboxd and chess.com accounts. this isn't unprecedent activity within my life. I've created and deleted many accounts over and over again. but as time goes on, I have less and less accounts. this suits me. I like living a minimal lifestyle. and I always wish to minimize it. sometimes, I don't care much about doing this and just keep on living - but every now and then it gets to me and I delete old photos, old accounts, give some of my stuff away. I do not like keeping what doesn't suit me anymore.
this might be increasing within me due to my buddhist beliefs. in the strictest sense, I don't really have anything. but I am still a lay person living within a society that has some survival needs - and I can't give everything away. but... who knows what the future holds for me? maybe I'll give it all away. maybe I'll live a true monastic live and go forth into homelessness. I look forward to living a life that is fulfilling - even if it might lead to failure - and that certainly involves a lot of sacrifices. as of now, there are many which I am not willing to make. but the ones I am, I should better not waste any time and get on doing them already! life is short, and I can't waste my precious time laying around... got to have discipline
yet this blog (hell, this site) as rudimentary and lonely as it is, it's one of the most valuable things I have. I feel I can be truly myself here - I can share my thoughts and be this awkward weirdo without fear of sounding cringe - "someone will find a way to hate you, so always be sincere" is a good thing to mind. all these thoughts I've written may get lost in the future, maybe I'll delete this whole site in the future, maybe I'll buy a server somewhere to keep all of this up - who knows? but until I choose something else, I'll keep on updating here, even if only means writing a few things every now and then.
I'm done laying around and just wasting away. It has certainly led me to today, yet it feels as if it was a complete waste. I do and I did a lot of things with my life, and consider myself to have some accomplishments. I am still very young and with a lot to live (I hope), but until now I've not been able to find something TRULY worth it... philosophy has been my friend for a long time, yet I know it has no end point nor really a goal. It may serve as a plaything, but it's not suited for a life's meaning (well, atleast mine - I'm not gonna make assumptions about how other people live their lives). Politics gave me a vision of the world, and in my journey it has taught me lots. Yet it's mostly a social thing - it feels right to take part in, to give my efforts to create a better world. It's something I still have somewhat of an interest. Science - well, that's what I study. And it is... sisyphean, if I were to say one word. It's a never ending task really, and while it can be something that can keep the flame of the spirit burning, to me it's getting stale. Hell, I can't even figure out my sexual and romantic interests - every time I tried it has been a failure (please - don't take me for an incel). So, living in my apathetic and somewhat depressed state, I still feel my life lacks something. It's as if I should lead a better life, as if all that I'm doing leads to nothing and I'm just wasting my time. As I said before, I have some accomplishments, I'm heading towards an established life with a decent job and good education, and I'm surrounded by people that I truly love and I know they love me back. But still, I can't shake this feeling. It has led me down a spiritual road, with some artistic glitter. I have read a few things about occultism and such, studied the tarot, read Jung, tried learning about the Church. While they worked, their magic eventually fell off. There was still hope: I was really attracted to Buddhism. And still am. It's been working for me until now. It's teachings certainly fit my life and my experience. But I still have a lot of doubts... and I give space to art. It's becoming my crutch for my unfulfilled and thirsty soul. I hope that the Buddhadhamma is the right way. I REALLY hope. Because well... then I'll only have art and "my" aging body. And the people I love. Who knows what the future holds for me... Have a good one y'all.
"The supreme conqueror is not he who conquers a million men in battle, but he who conquers a single man: himself." - Dp. 103
P.S.: the layout of this site is still very poor. I'll change this starting this next weekend. Hopefully :D
I am somewhat sad these days. had a crisis the other night due to an almost burnout. had a conflict with my best friend today. I've been crying on and off today. heard this song for the first time and am feeling devastated. I am crying as I write this. to me it seems that the biggest sadness in this world is caused by loss. having to give up what you love, or losing someone you love too much. I don't know. maybe this writing is just a way to cope with it all. I wish things certain things could be forever. but I know that is not possible... and yet here am I, crying, despite that knowledge. these words mean nothing to my feelings. but it's soothing to write this. love you all
"One day, you know, you're gonna fall, or I'm gonna fall, or something's gonna happen"
well I just finished my basic neovim config from scratch, following a guide I found on the internet. after ~2 years of using neovim. yeah. I tried using NVChad and other things but during most of this time I just didn't bother to use much besides basic vimscript things. and yet I survived! lol, I mostly do really simple things that don't need big important tools but still it is good to have and be able to use them. and now, this site seems to be my biggest solo project, and I want to be able to optimize and make the code better as I learn more and more things. but as of now, I'll still edit this site from the neocities interface :p
heyyy peoples of the internet. I am back again to tell you about my life... while a lot of stuff has happened recently mostly due to university, there were also a few "political" obstacles that I had to surpass, due to problems within organizations I am a part of. but now I am having a downtime of sorts in which I was able to restart my studies and work. I didn't update much of this site, and despite still having that lingering feeling that this is very much incomplete and ugly, I feel somewhat "secure" to start putting some content here, not just forms. but this shall wait a bit for I have some other, more important things to worry about now. but I am feeling quite good actually :)
this is a test. my first blog post!!! on my new website :) this is cool. I still have some things to do. first I would like to figure out how to have the same layout on all the pages without having to copy the entire HTML on every page and having to update it by hand every time (now that I have this simple layout finished). and then improve on the layout and choose which pages should be fixed on the navbar. then change the left sidebar to something else. then yadda yadda yadda and so on. while this might seem like a sisyphean task, it makes me want to learn more and more about webmastery, and it is a nice project :)